Part two: The Doors in My Imagination are Opening  

Posted by The Alchemist in

Unwrapping the leather packaging around his dried foodstuffs, he popped a piece of salty jerky in his mouth. The floor was cold as he sat upon it, but not as cold as it was on the surface. Wandering down here through the stone tunnels he hadn’t seen a single room with something he could sleep on. It wasn’t surprising seeing as how old the place was. Most of the furniture had probably rotted away. Rubbing his eyes with his palms he ran one hand down over the salt and pepper stubble on his face and rubbed that section vigorously as well. From where he sat the blue aura of Vulgaris’ Well lit the hall through an arched doorway. Anias debated getting out his bed roll, ground cover, and just sleeping right there. The only problem would be the nagging vibration coming from the Well in the next room. It would either be one of those things that helped put him to sleep or would keep him from getting any at all. Finishing his small meal, he gathered his legs beneath him and walked off down the hall. Exploring more of the underground complex surrounding the well would help him get further away from the pulsating eddy in the next room.


Note: You know, I have no idea where all of this is going. I started writing this last night and continued by writing the second part today. At the very least I like Anias.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at Wednesday, November 28, 2007 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

5 comments

I like Anias too. Is this set in your low-magic DnD setting which rocks? If so, I'd be ecstatic if Whistles made a cameo. . .

November 28, 2007 at 1:52 PM

Lol, sorta, its really its own continuity right now, I really hate fantasy cliches so I doubt many fantasy races will make appearances, hopefully it will wind up being highly tolkienesque.

November 28, 2007 at 2:29 PM

Well I mean you can always have him read a book by someone with a combination of two or more of Whistle's numerous names. . .

November 28, 2007 at 4:29 PM

Yeah, he might make an appearance in a legend or myth. I really am not sure what I want to do with fantasy creatures like elves and dwarves, they may be completely absent.

November 28, 2007 at 9:43 PM

Don't have a lot of time (feeling a bit tired, so I should probably head to bed) but I thought I'd mention a few things I noticed off the top of my head on this post.

1.) You might want to consider cutting back just a very small amount on the number of adjectives you use. This is mostly a stylistic thing, so if it suits your style, go ahead and keep doing what you are. However, I've noticed in fiction that often using too many adjectives can get in the way of what you're saying and distract from the story. There are times when using loads of adjectives are good: describing a spectacular vista, or a phenomenal event for instance. When describing mundane things that are peripheral to the story, however, you don't want to always go into too great of detail. At times, it can add great ambiance. It can also yank you from the flow of the story.

2.) Again a style thing, but the sentence "Wandering down here through the stone tunnels..." Just doesn't quite read right. I think removing the down here might help; the sentence above already establishes that you're underground. Perhaps replacing "something" with a more specific word / phrase might help as well.

3.) "Rubbing his eyes with his palms he ran one hand down over the..."
"down" should be removed.

4.) "Anias debated getting out his bed roll, ground cover, and just sleeping right there." Possibly remove "ground cover" It's a bit extraneous in the context of the sentence, and grammatically the way its stuck in there is not correct. I can't think of a good way to work it in correctly. Also, its a bit unclear where "there" refers to. Is it where he's sitting? Or in with the Well in the next room?

5.)Might consider changing "it would either be one of those things..." from passive voice to active voice. For example: "It would either help put him to sleep, or would prevent him from getting any at all"

6.) I like the last couple of sentences quite a bit.

7.) You know, before the "Note:" part.

8.) The setting looks interesting; I wish I knew more about it. Tossing the reader into the middle of something can be an effective way of drawing them into the story as they try to find out what's going on.

November 28, 2007 at 10:45 PM

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