Come what May  

Posted by The Alchemist in

He could not look away. For fifteen years he had trekked across deserts and mountains, dark forests and frozen tundra to find this place. Standing on a stone lip made of granite and mortar, Anias was bathed in light coming from the swirling blue vortex that was the Well of Vulgaris. Power emanated from the well and sent vibrations through his body. The vibrations were powerful enough that they could be felt on the surface of the earth hundreds of feet above. His cloak billowed in the air rushing around the room. So like water was the flowing magic, that he had to resist the urge to reach down and dip his hand in it. It was nothing as benign as water, but raw power, the very fabric of existence. With such had the universe been forged and refined. The well was a focus, and functioned much like a bowl left to collect water after a morning dew. In the same the well could collect the excess of power radiating from the surrounding world. It was pure magic, as the plebeians would call it, though it was nothing so simple nor cliché. For nearly a thousand years had the well been distilling hesh’iash, the stuff of existence, from its surroundings. The well was nearly overflowing. So dangerous it was, and so tempting to tap its unlimited power. Such a thing hadn’t been attempted since before the Last War, and he was not about to walk flippantly into such a dangerous endeavor. The histories hinted at the fate awaiting those who dabbled in the craft of sorcery. Despite his skill, Anias could control magic about as well as a fly could control the wind with its wings. Turning, he left the glow of the room and its temptations behind. More study would be needed. For now, having found the well was enough.

Edited.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at Wednesday, November 28, 2007 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

12 comments

So... how brutal are you wanting us to be here? Should I mention grammatical errors? Critique word flow? Make fun of your dog?

November 28, 2007 at 2:05 PM

Basically? Yes,

November 28, 2007 at 2:26 PM

Your dog is dumb and no one likes it. But people do like your mom. Because she makes delicious food.

November 28, 2007 at 4:44 PM

Well, you asked for it, so..
Second sentence, either the comma or the "and" before "mountains" should be removed.

The sentence "Reflected in his eyes was the blue vortex that was the Well of Vulgaris" doesn't quite flow right. Grammatically its fine, but its a bit hard to figure out what it means on first read. Perhaps merge with the short sentence that follows like "As he stood on the granite and mortar lip, his eyes reflected the blue vortex that was the Well of Vulgaris." or something similar.

Viscous doesn't feel right here, it usually indicates something thick like oil or honey. Water is not usually considered very viscous. The comma probably is unneeded in this sentence as well.

The beginning "so ... was..." is used several times close to each other, perhaps try mixing it up a little.

Replace "dangerous" with "perilous" or other synonym in sentence "So dangerous it was, and so tempting..." in order to make following use of "dangerous" flow nicely.

A few general suggestions: short sentences often disrupt the flow of the reading, which is good if you're at a point that needs to be emphasized or nearing the end of a thought. For instance, I like the effect of the "More study would be needed." at the end. However, the sentence "He stood on a stone lip made of granite and mortar" seems sort of out of place; a purely descriptive sentence like that just seems extraneous when not tied to anything else, which is why I suggested merging that sentence above. Also try to make sure to avoid using the same writing elements or descriptive too often, such as the "so ... was" I mentioned.
Finally, you might want to make sure you don't use too much passive voice, or put the meat of the sentence near the end.

PS I found lots to like also. The story looks good, and you've got some great descriptive elements in there. Don't worry, I won't be so pedantic with your other posts, especially since it takes so much time. I just like putting on my "editor" cap every once in a while :-).
PPS This is Steven; google recovered my old blogger name so all my posts appear under it now

November 28, 2007 at 7:19 PM

Oh, I forgot. I don't really have anything against your dog. But your cats... that's a different story. Especially the dumb one that I keep beaning with the door because it sleeps right in front of it... :-D

November 28, 2007 at 7:20 PM
Anonymous  

15 years? That's a long time. ;D

November 28, 2007 at 8:31 PM

Sweet thanks guys!

November 28, 2007 at 9:39 PM

sounds like a good start. it feels like jumping into the middle of a story but I'm sure you will work in and explain more about the hia'esh or whatever the magic is called. i like the character, he seems to have potential. i can't really help you with grammar looks like I'll leave that to Steven. but i think the story line sounds good and the ideas are sound enough. good job.

November 28, 2007 at 9:49 PM

Just had a few minor comments on the edit: You have a "thatthey" in the second or third sentence that needs to be fixed, and in the sentence "Standing on a stone lip made of granite and mortar Anias was bathed in light coming from the swirling blue vortex that was the Well of Vulgaris.", there should be a comma between "mortar" and "Anias".

December 1, 2007 at 11:16 AM

Oddly, there is a space between the two t words. For some reason they are just really close.

December 1, 2007 at 2:05 PM
Anonymous  

Sorry for ignoring the blog for so long, had lotta crap to do and I live practically on the other side of the world and probably won't be talkin to you real time anyway.

I don't mean to hack and slash the stuff you write, so I'll mostly write general impressions that I got and such.

To pretty much sum up all I wanna say for the first part, it is a bit too blocky and explainatory. It's good to use figurative expressions and such, and it's nice that you succeeded in giving me a good idea of what you saw in your mind as you wrote this, but it's so detailed that I lost track of what this guy is trying to do in the first place. Might wanna put a little more action into it. By action, I mean movement or something occuring.

Don't like the expression "Despite his skill. . . with it's wings". I see what you're tryin to get to, but doesn't feel right, and I don't really feel the greatness of it all.

January 8, 2008 at 10:25 AM

Thanks for the comments, who is this?

As for things being blocky and goofy, yeah.... *sigh* I think things are gonna be that way for a while until I get alot more practice.

January 10, 2008 at 1:28 AM

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